He Said/She Said--Attributions in Fiction

When you deal with a lengthy work like a novel, there are opportunities galore to repeat yourself, and being lazy about attributions is a good example of that.

Remember, it doesn't help to change "she said" to "she exclaimed" as a means of beefing up your writing, although in moderation, that can be fine. Repeating the attribution "said" or finding a synonym for "said" is an example of a rank amateur whose writing is rank. In these cases, leave the attribution out altogether. If your dialogue is arranged properly, your reader should always know who's speaking, with only a few strategically placed attributions. Sometimes, you can leave the attribution in, if it seems to flow best that way, but as a general rule, place action there instead. The old caveat is still true: Show. Don't tell.

Here's an example of being careful not to overuse the attribution "Said," from my novel Armchair Detective:

* * *
She held her cup and saucer in the palm of her hand and crossed one shapely leg over the other. The black pump on her foot began to sway lightly from side to side. I caught her eyes and smiled innocently, having a sip of the fresh ground coffee. It wasn't as good as Phoebe's.

"Now then. What sort of arrangement did you have in mind?"

I fought back my reaction to the innuendos that had been present in each sentence uttered by this woman since I came to the door, and instead took another steadying breath. "It looks as though my finances are. . .a bit strained. I'd like to be honest about it. You see, I had to buy tires for my car, since my job requires a good deal of driving."

"What sort of work do you do?"

Great. I hate this question. There's no way to legitimize a career of throwing things in people's driveways from a moving car. "I have a paper route."

She pursed her lips. "Quaint."

I resisted the urge to toss my coffee in her face. "I was wondering if maybe you and I could work something out."

A grin slithered onto Porsha's lips only briefly. "Perhaps." She sipped prissily from the china.

I could probably float a loan from Phoebe, but it didn't feel like an option. Not one I was comfortable with. "I'd like to settle it by putting up some collateral."

"What sort of collateral is that, Ms. O'Brien?" She sat with her back straight, as if the back of the sofa had daggers protruding from it.

"I thought I would give you the title to my car until I can pay you the back-rent, if that would be okay." I sat back against the sofa, daggers-be-damned, and sipped my coffee. The cup felt paper-thin in my hands and I was afraid I'd shatter it if I didn't pay attention to my grip.

"Your car?"

"The Falcon, yes."

"Now what would I do with that silly old thing?"

"You may not care for the car, Ms. Pemberton, but it is worth the amount I owe you. If I default, you would have the title and could sell it at current market value, and I would of course vacate the property so you could rent it again."

Porsha placed her cup and saucer on the glass table and considered me with a thoughtful sigh. Again, her eyes trailed over me, and her tongue painted moisture across her upper lip. "I've an idea. I haven't had dinner yet. Why don't you prepare dinner for me at your place, and we'll discuss it further?"

A frown tickled my brow and was gone. "Dinner? You want to come over for dinner? To my trailer?"

"Why not? I have no other social engagements this evening, and we really must settle this as soon as possible."

I shifted slightly, resting the cup securely in the saucer for fear I'd drop it. "What do you want?"

"Pardon?"

"For dinner."

"Oh," she smiled victoriously. "I'm sure whatever you offer me will be delicious."

I took a final drink of coffee and stood. "Okay. I'll expect you around seven?"

"Fabulous." Porsha rose and I set my cup down across from hers. She went to the door to show me out. "I'll look forward to it," she murmured.

I cleared my throat and smiled. "Good-bye, Ms. Pemberton."

Porsha used the door as if it was a fainting couch. "Porsha. Call me Porsha."

I smiled again. "Porsha." I followed the cobblestone walkway to the Falcon and got in, pausing to stare at the condo.

Well, this is going to be a barrel of freakin' monkeys, I can tell.

* * *

Readers understand when there is dialogue, complete with quotes around it, that already indicates someone is saying something. No need to belabor the point by adding he said, she said at every line. I noticed that John Grisham does this to an alarming degree and it can be incredibly distracting. On any given page with 11 or 12 lines of dialogue, Grisham will use "said" as the attribution 10 of those times. And i also noticed things like "he said aloud" being used. Now when you "say" something , it is a sure bet that it's ALOUD. Saying, indicates aloud, so this is superfluous. That's like saying someone laughed with a chuckle. It's also disheartening, because a well-known successful writer should never be guilty of irritating the reader with such elementary oversights.

Another aggravation is when a fiction writer begins sentences with same word. It gets irritating for the reader. Plus, it pegs you as incapable of finding the melody and cadence in your writing. . . instead, alter the sentence structure so that you can put that repetitive word elsewhere, or exchange it, or remove it altogether. While checking for the aforementioned stylistic faux pas, it's a good time to work with melody and cadence; make sure you vary the length of your sentences for the right effect.

Again, Grisham is guilty of this repetitive word thing. Now, while i think Grisham is a great writer as far as the stories he tells and keeping them interesting, there's just no sense in negating that aspect with a slew of other stylistic errors which serve to water down the impact of those great stories. Not that I'm picking on John Grisham, but i just happen to be reading his book and he just happens to have several examples in it of what not to do as a conscientious writer. And it's important that we don't deify writers so much that we overlook the errors that make them just as human as we are. Perhaps that's the downside of being an established writer, it's easy to stop being so judicious and mindful about style. But for the rest of us, who aren't under a contract, we have to continue to pay attention to these things because they will hopefully one day make a difference in getting that beloved contract.

He Said/She Said--Attributions in Fiction

Style Editing: Word Choice & Attributions

What is meant by a writer's "style"? I'm not referring to MLA or Harvard or APA style; nor am I referring to terms such as "expository," "Journalistic," or "academic." In the context of book authors, I'm talking about a writer's unique voice; the way a writer strings words and phrases together on a page; the method by which a writer can engender fear or sympathy or suspense in a reader. These things can be as much about setting, atmosphere, and characters, as they can be about sentence construction and word usage. I'll focus on word choice and attributions in this post.

The first word choice for me is always Microsoft Word. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) While it has its own inherent shortcomings, as does all software, it is by far the most powerful word processing program. For the purpose of this post, It has some very useful features (as you probably know, since most writers use this program). For those who might find this helpful, here's some tips.

Use Search and Replace to find all those overused words and phrases. When your search lands on one of those words, click that word once (on the highlight on the page) and then re-write that sentence, or replace that word with something more vivid, more unusual, more powerful, more meaningful.

I have a personal list of the words and phrases I have overused in the past (I think I'm better about it now, after editing for it so often). While you're writing, don't worry about those things. It's okay, because then, you are getting the story down, and now, you're putting on your editing hat.

My list included:
"reached for"
"just"
variations of "pull" and "push"
"looked"
"she was sure"
"she knew"

You get the idea.

Here's a little heads-up. You know that text program, NoteTab Lite, I've mentioned? It has a feature called Text Statistics where you can paste in your text and check it for the frequency of word use. ("Yes, I use words frequently" -are you saying? Well, then, you are a smart ass. And it takes one to know one). This feature also does word and character count.

Okay, back to the list of words.

Here is a list of commonly overused words you can search for in your manuscript. Also look for the variations thereof, or et al, such as walk/walked/walking.


This list is by no means comprehensive, and can be as endless as each writer's individuality. Mainly, just be aware of plain words that don't color your descriptions properly. It's a fabulous exercise to try to find another way to say something. It stretches your writing muscles in a most satisfying way. (Careful not to pull a Writing Ligament, there's no salve for that). There are so many nuances, and you can miss out on some fantastic writing by not keeping this in mind. Here is a list (not comprehensive, either, but important) of errors or amateurish mistakes to eliminate from your manuscript, to keep an agent or editor reading it from rolling her eyes and tossing it into the Round File.

Stylistic things to avoid:

PASSIVE VOICE
Try to avoid it. It's not immediate, and is usually boring and verbose. The only time you should use past tense is when you're referring to the past and that needs to be clear. For instance, in a flashback

• Use Word's search and replace tool again. Look for GERUNDS-words ending in "ing"-and was/were/had and make them present tense, if at all possible

ADJECTIVE ABUSE
Your writing can become bloated, flowery, predictable and even confusing Try to avoid using adjectives and adverbs altogether.

• Instead use more descriptive nouns and verbs

WEAK ATTRIBUTIONS
They clutter up the dialogue, are distracting, and smack of ineptitude

• Leave most "saids" out; In other cases, show action along with the statement

Here's an excerpt from my novel, Baggage, to illustrate the conservative style of attributions:

"Mental fugues?" Sienna asked. "You'll have to elaborate on that over dinner." "Not until you tell me how you met that vermin." "I'll think about it." She started walking toward her car. "Where are you going?" "Back to the hotel." "It's almost dinner time, why don't you follow me home?" She continued to her car, as he strode after her. "Because I'm not a puppy." "Oh my god, woman. You are really playing me, aren't you?" She opened her door and turned to him. "Not at all. I simply don't want to appear desperate." "You don't. See, the way I figure it, we keep crossing paths for a reason. Don't you find that strange?" "It's a lot stranger than you could possibly know." "What does that mean?" "Maybe I'll tell you one day. Today is not that day." He chewed the inside of his cheek, regarding her. "What am I going to do with you, Sienna Bachman?" The answer, something good, I hope dashed through her mind, and she pushed it away. She could not very well let herself get involved with the son of Dominic Fontaine. . .and yet, Noah had been right. There did seem to be some cosmic manipulation going on. He continued to goad her, weighing the imaginary choices in each hand. "Let's see. . .go back to the hotel . . .go to Jerrin's for dinner. . .hotel. . . Jerrin. . ." "Oh all right. Lead and I shall follow." "That's more like it." He turned and headed for his Element.

The points to notice are that if your characters are distinct individuals, it is often not necessary to have an attribution at all, and instead of telling the reader "he said," or "she said", you can insert what playwrights call "Stage business" which merely means what they are doing, or some mannerism, in place of the attribution, or at least, not having to do with the attribution at all. But it does set the tone for what a character is saying.

Watch for upcoming blogs on style and other writing tips.

Style Editing: Word Choice & Attributions

I Heard You the First Time

...Repetition as enemy to style and cadence.

Even great writers make mistakes. I can usually tell when it's an editing oversight, or the fault of the author. An editor's oversight seems a simultaneous contradiction, in that it can mean "overlook", but also "seeing-over," as in monitoring--same word, two opposite meanings. Accordingly, when I use the word "mistake" in this context, it doesn't necessarily imply the condition of being WRONG. I use the word, "mistake" loosely. What I'm really talking about are stylistic errors. But telling someone how to have a writing style, is like telling someone how to have clothing style. It's up to them how important it is. But you can learn how to have an impressive style in your writing, just like you can learn to have it in your wardrobe.

Some authors write only, and don't do much editing. Others do both, and endeavor to keep them separated. But I feel that most common stylistic errors are just plain laziness. For instance, to repeat an already established fact is simply careless, (just careless, I tell you! Careless!) unless it's intentional for effect (as in the outburst I just had) or in the case of the first mention being so far away from the second that the reader might need their memory jogged. Recently, I found an example in this passage from a popular novel:

Christopher Stewart Hughes was one of Johnston's graduate students.

Then four paragraphs later,

Chris was a graduate student in the history of science--

Then a paragraph later,

Chris had been an undergraduate, in his junior year, when his parents were killed in an automobile accident. Chris, an only child, was devastated;

Okay, so once an author has established who someone is, and what part they play in the story (i.e., graduate student) it then becomes superfluous, especially within the span of a page and a half of text, to remind the reader. And it frankly aggravates me, and I talk back to the book. "Yes, I know he's a graduate student, you said that three times already."

The last snippet of quoted text falls into stylistic issues, as well, though perhaps it is more a preference on my part, and not necessarily considered an "error." The sentence,

Chris had been an undergraduate, in his junior year, when his parents were killed in an automobile accident. Chris, an only child, was devastated;

...it is part of the previous style point, but also includes what I feel to be awkward phrasing. I would have revised the sentence to read,

In Chris's junior year, his parents were killed in an automobile accident. An only child, Chris was devastated.

This says the same thing without the repetition that Chris was a graduate student, (saying "in his junior year" refers to the fact that he was a student, and need not be reiterated) and it also avoids beginning too many sentences with the same word.

It's something on my (long) list of edits I do after I've written most of the story. I go back and read like an editor, and make sure I haven't repeated myself, started paragraphs and sentences with the same word, or used the same construction all the time.

When constructing the style of your sentences, remember that writing is like listening to music; sometimes you need a long phrase that flows and continues for a time, and then you need shorter sentences interspersed. If you read your writing aloud, you'll find most of these interruptions in flow. (This is probably where the idea came from, that writers are always talking to themselves. It's for a good reason, not the least of which is that they'll know who they're talking to).

So--There's a cadence in writing and I believe that developing your style has a lot to do with figuring out what your cadence is. But as for the pleasantness of reading it, while this can be highly subjective, just as music can, there are still things that create the most pleasantness for the largest number of listeners/readers. Primarily, try not to aggravate your reader with sloppy sentence construction and repetitions and verbosity. They may not be able to tell you WHY it's aggravating them, but they might put your book down. And that is, of course, contrary to your goal as a writer.

Oh, and the novel I used as a reference?? That was from Timeline by John Grisham. (sorry).

I Heard You the First Time

The Koontz Dangle

One of the best stylistic things I ever learned about writing novels, was gleaned from being an avid reader of Dean Koontz. I not only read his work, I studied it.

Several years ago, I was reading in bed, and was so sleepy that I felt I couldn't continue, and yet I turned the page and kept trying to stay awake. This had happened before with his books, and often i would wake up later or the next morning with my reading lamp still on, and the book still on my chest. I read until sleep claimed me. Why? Because my curiosity was piqued, and because there were things left unanswered. Koontz was able to string me along as if I had a leash on, and he was holding the other end.

The technique was this: Every chapter used a staggering character--(no, not drunk people)--they would each be about a certain character, and the chapter after it would be about a different character. But at the end of each of those chapters, without fail, something would happen and I would be left hanging. So I'd go to the next chapter, but it would be about someone else, in another situation, and I'd be reminded that I wanted to know about that, too. Thus, I kept reading, because he always left something dangling at the end, but skipped to someone else and did the same there in the chapters that followed. By the time all the questions were answered and all the curiosities were quenched, the book was over. Brilliant stylistic device. No surprise that Dean Koontz has been so successful for so long. He earned it.

So I went back to all my manuscripts and did a revision on each (which is, as you will note, called RE-VISION for a reason...you have to look at it again, and in a new way). I did rewrites to include this technique of dangling, and my books then became more page-turners.

Thank you, Mr. Koontz.

The Koontz Dangle