Recently, I was offered a publishing contract on my novel Achilles Forjan. I allowed myself to get all excited and when the hard copy of the contract came, I realized it was not the same as the "sample." I didn't like the idea of handing over the rights to my own book for SEVEN years. I didn't know this publisher well enough to entrust my work for such a long time. And then there was being at the mercy of their idea of what my work was, what it should look like, how it should be edited, and then how I'd get 10-15 percent of the profit on each book. The book I SLAVED over. The book that came from my guts. The one that cost me several years of my creative life. That book that is a piece of me as surely as if I had given birth to it. It was one of my literary children. And this deal would include very little, if any, marketing efforts on their part. Those perks are reserved for the cash cows like Dean Koontz and Nora Roberts. Rightfully so, as they have proven their profit viability in the marketplace. I'd still have to do the interviews, the book signings, the business cards, the web page...There were other things that just didn't feel right, too. My gut told me to refuse the contract. I always listen to my gut. It wasn't a pleasant decision, though. Making a decision like that is sort of like being pecked to death by chickens. How long had I waited for an opportunity like this? For years, I have intentionally avoided pitching my material because I wanted to feel like it was worthy enough to compete. Now that I feel I am a good enough writer to publish my work, I'm faced with the usual slings and arrows a writer faces when trying to make it to print. There are so many talented writers out there, but most of them don't get into the right door, largely because of the politics of the publishing industry. The advent of self-publishing has offered control back to the creator. (I don't mean God, I mean the writer...writing is, metaphorically speaking, quite like playing God...but that's for another blog). Now if we could only get past the stigma of it all. The stigma that says if you have to publish your own work, it must suck. That is sometimes true. But in many other cases, it is not. James Redfield (Celestine Prophesy) self-published first. So did John Grisham (he sold copies of A Time to Kill from the trunk of his car), as did Deepak Chopra, Mark Twain, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Edgar Allen Poe, Benjamin Franklin, Stephen Crane, Beatrix Potter, Margaret Atwood, Amanda Brown (Legally Blond). It's a great way to test market, and often, self-published books get picked up by traditional publishing houses. So stigma be damned. I began the task of being my own publisher. Then a funny thing happened. I fell in love with the process. I discovered a formidable affection for being in control of the editing, typography, formatting, design of my own work. And I resolved to get all my completed or nearly-completed work in print and continue to do that with forthcoming material. This has translated into 100 hour weeks. But I am loving it. I feel permeated by satisfaction. It's always been about getting my work out there, not getting rich off it. I'm not delusional. Having come close again to being sucked into the literary abyss of greed, and allowing my work to be corrupted, pigeon-holed, and packaged by strangers who take most of the profit, I managed to pull myself back, regain my footing. I can do this myself. So. The self-published copies will be used to fish for a literary agent. It's cheaper that way anyway. There's a reason why writers are historically poor, downtrodden, and half-insane addicts. It's because it's so hard and so expensive to get their work noticed. These days, it's still expensive. It costs upwards of $40 to send a manuscript to just ONE publisher or agent, when you include paper, ink, copying, postage, etc. One inkjet cartridge, for example, costs me $30 of that. So the point is, it's more economical for me to publish on Amazon's CreateSpace, buy a copy of it for $4 or $7 or $10 and mail that. In the old days, before computers, the craft of writing was even more arduous and tedious and time consuming. Imagine hand-writing a 300-400 page manuscript and then spilling your coffee on it. Imagine typing the same amount, and then realizing you have to do a major rewrite, and that means typing it all again. And you could spill your coffee on that, too. My best friend, who is also a writer, used a typewriter up until 4 years ago. She had turned over six of her manuscripts to her new agent, and he was in such a hurry to get to New York for his meetings, that he didn't make copies of them. Then POOF. Something weird happened; he had some sort of mental breakdown, or was abducted by aliens, or otherwise fell off the face of the earth, and she never could find him after that. Imagine. Six full novels. Gone. She's been flirting with rewriting them for the last four years, and has done some of it, along with new material, but you never quite get over something like that. It's like having someone rip out your spleen. I will continue this quest, and if, along the way, some agent or publisher sees my work and deems it suitable for representation and then negotiates a lucrative and satisfying alliance that will bring us both joy and a plethora of meaningless material possessions, I'll seriously consider it. In the meantime, it's still about the WRITING. |
To purchase my books and music, go to http://jaebaeli Doing so will ensure blessings on you and yours, and the quality of your life will magically improve. |
24 November 2007
Slings and Arrows
23 November 2007
A is for Annoying
Not long ago, it came to my attention that i have some rather irritating trends in my work. Namely, the names. Titles, i mean. My first "slew" of books all begin with "A." Achilles Forjan, Armchair Detective, As You Were, Another Justice. . .I'm not sure if it's some deep-seated Alphabetical Addiction, or merely a subconscious belief that my writing is still at the beginning. . .perhaps i am working my way through the alphabet, like some popular mystery writers (A is for Annoying).
Now that would be sufficient to vex me, but i also noticed the the covers i designed for Achilles Forjan and Armchair Detective, both have vehicles on them. And As You Were has the image of a two lane highway....My best friend says she thinks it is my subconscious need to "go somewhere." Looks like i need a vehicle for a trip away from A's. In fairness, i do have other books that don't begin with "A." Operation: Utopia, The Curse of Madagascar, It's About Time, Brainmatter, Yin & Yang....but the A-list is the one that's closest to print or in print right now, so I'm ultra-aware of it. I considered changing the titles to some, but just didn't feel right about it. So I'm just going to let that go, and be mindful henceforth. A is now for AWARENESS.
A is for Annoying
21 November 2007
Artistic Angst
How do we stay balanced in our understanding of success? Is success represented by money?
by acknowledgment of others?
by happiness?
by how many people love us?
by our contribution?
does it matter to someone?
does it matter to a great many someones?
Perhaps I should never make my artistic endeavors a source of income. Perhaps I should just be what I am: retired. . . someone who enjoys writing and recording music for friends or to give as gifts, creating art, writing books, and going to flea markets and buying and selling on eBay. . .I have a peaceful environment, plenty to keep me interested and busy; a few close friends, pets I adore, the ability to walk around outside in beautiful surroundings and take a deep breathe and just be in the moment.
The only thing that's missing for me, then, is the right "someone" to share it with. But my standards are so high, that my odds are low. I have to cling to the belief that the universe has a wisdom beyond my comprehension, and when it is time for my person to waltz into the room, she will, and i won't be OUTSIDE in my beautiful surroundings, taking deep breaths and being in the moment.
Artistic Angst
18 November 2007
32 Hours Slaving Over a Hot Pinch Roller
In an effort to prove myself more than a relationship obsessive, i shall tell all readers that i have spent the last two days doing something other than thinking about sex, talking about sex, or having sex...
After 32 hours of intensive labor, creative juice-flowing, cursing, knob turning, crawling under my desk to attach and re-attach various cords, researching glitches, posting to homerecording.com and existing wholly on sunflower seeds, Hazelnut coffee with Vanilla Carmel creamer and various finger foods....i now have completed TWO whole songs for my EP. This is one of an endless catalogue of EP's i intend to offer up to the Muses as a legacy before my number comes up. It's been too long coming. I've threatened to put my nose to the old pinch roller and get this done since...well since i bought my very first multi-track recorder years ago. But life has a way of interrupting, even when you are one of the lucky ones who don't have to go to the usual day job. But i recognize the intrinsic value of putting my hands and mind and spirit toward creative endeavors; not doing so usually summons up the demons in my head, and the pitfalls in my life.
Later, I'm gonna work on another edit of my recently completed final (i-mean-it-this-time) draft of my latest novel, and maybe paint a picture.
I feel better already.
Now, back to those 32 hours, slaving over a hot Tascam 424 MKIII....
I am, by nature, a fiercely independent sort, and i prefer to be in charge of the entire process of birthing my creative children. My music is no exception. Along with this creative tyranny, i have to take the good and the bad. The bad always seems to be about some equipment malfunction or my lack of expertise in making it function, some doo-dad or gizmo that i have yet to shell out the money for, or simply that dealing with these variables tends to squish my creativity into something that looks like it should be on my windshield. I conquered all of these things, and now am feeling just a little pleased with myself. Although when i listened to the mixdowns today, i naturally found a few things that need tweaking. Something will always need tweaking. It's just good to know when to stop tweaking and wave bye-bye. Let it be let it be let it be.
I'm not at that point of acquiescence, yet.
32 Hours Slaving Over a Hot Pinch Roller
07 October 2007
Put THAT in Your Pipe
What with all the new age channeling going on, (allowing non-physical entities to speak through them) I've had to decide how I feel about it. . .because, you know, there can be nothing in my experience left misunderstood. . .
Aside from the Channels who are obvious charlatans, I believe there are some who are authentic (a truth that crosses over many boundaries and into many situations). In my endeavors to understand this phenomenon, I've had to take the beliefs I had in place and add any new beliefs I've come to; and I've come to this:
I am a channel, too. But I don't channel Abraham or Ramtha, The Enlightened One. I channel my Muse. Each time I embark upon a creative endeavor, I channel. Each time I have an inspiration, I channel. Each time I understand something on a profound level, figure out one of life's great mysteries, or make a decision at the grocery about "paper or plastic," I channel. (okay, the last one was added for levity, I don't consider my choice of grocery bags an enlightened epiphany. . .)
But I channel. And you channel. And everyone CAN channel.
When I set about creating the things I create—whether in the area of music, art, or writing, or giving a massage, or helping a friend figure some conundrum out, I am tapping in to that channel that we all have as spiritual beings, having a human experience. When I get any inspiration, it comes from SOMEWHERE. Call it inspiration or Muse or non-physical energy or collective consciousness . . . it comes from higher self—from collective unconscious, from God.
Abraham or Ramtha or just smartness from a human brain or mind. . .are all pulled from the same Source. It is often referred to, as a matter of fact, as "Source." The only difference is its manifestation; how the information presents itself. If someone is seeking and meditating, and some other consciousness appears and introduces itself or names itself, that is Source. If someone is seeking and meditating, and has the experience of epiphany, that is also source. There really is no fundamental difference, other than how it manifests itself, and in what form.
For instance, I might take a lump of clay on a potter's wheel, and make a large vase or I might also make a plate; it really depends on what the inspiration is—it's still the same clay, taking different forms. It's still Source.
If this is so, then we don't need those "middle-men"—those 'tweeners who try to make us believe that we can have nothing of God or higher consciousness without them. In other words, a priest is not a conduit to God. WE are the conduit to God. We are, in a very real sense, GOD. We all come from the same Source, the same essence, and so we are all portions of that Source, manifested in physical form, in a particular time-space continuum.
Put THAT in your pipe, and smoke it.
Put THAT in Your Pipe
23 August 2007
Kairos
I've been working on Baggage all day. Made some good progress with the language, the prose aspects. Spent time finding more specific ways to convey different aspects. And I've been integrating everything from random musings to dreams into the book, too. Snippets of conversations that play out in my head when I'm about to doze off....
I discovered this fabulous word today::: Kairos. (kay-ross). It's an ancient Greek word meaning the "right or opportune moment" or "God's time." It's that undetermined time "in between" linear time in which something "special" happens....i used it in the manuscript today, even though i knew most people would have no idea what it meant.
Ironically, it resonated with me so much because i feel i am in Kairos lately.
Kairos
22 August 2007
My Muse Still Breathes
All authors get to a point in their writing life, where they feel they have plumbed the depths of the well the Muse provides, and begin to doubt that they have anything else to offer. This is usually a case of stagnation within the mileu of new experience. Without new input, new contrasts in our day to day lives, we can only reiterate what we have already learned.
I had reached this point a few weeks ago. I feared that the 12 books I have in print and the 2 I'm almost finished with, were to be the last. I couldn't imagine having another fresh idea, even though I had just completed an entirely fresh novel from start to finish (Baggage). This book wasn't based on anyone I knew, and it had no personal experiences in it. I want to have an equal number of mainstream books as I do "gay" ones, to increase my chances of finding a mainstream publisher or agent. So I've been trying to break away from the need to write about only gay characters. I also needed to write without the temptation of including numerous sex scenes. It can sometimes be a cop-out to do that. So Baggage had no Gay characters, none of them inspired by anyone I knew, including myself, no scenes that were based on something that happened to me or anyone else in my life. It was entirely new. So I was pleased to have accomplished that goal.
But then, as I was about to complete the other few I had not finished, it occurred to me that I had no more tidbits after that, in my writing files, from whence to nurture and develop a new story. I spent so many years writing portions of books and then putting them away, that I had plenty to work with.
The day came when I was nearing completion of all those old projects, and was faced with the impending task of creating something entirely new.
As the days wore on, I still couldn't think of anything, still couldn't find inspiration that would give me the new book. So I let go of it. Not for long, just a few days, and asked my subconscious mind each night to provide something in my sleep. Dreams have always been a rich source of material for me. From the odd short story, The House of Escher, (included in the collection, "Brainmatter") to any number of springboard scenarios that became various novels, my dreaming mind could always serve up something new and interesting.
I knew I needed to focus on other things and other
people, and try to break out of my routine for awhile. I created about 7 new paintings, (Shown on left) having been inspired by the work of Russian artist, Wassily Kandinski, and watched a lot of TV and movies, and read about 3 new Koontz novels, since he has been such a mentor to me. I have studied his writing for a long time, because I wanted to understand how he managed to provide so much reading pleasure. I have actually figured out how he accomplished this on many levels, and that has been helpful to my writing in many ways. I hoped that reading him again, and getting all this other input, would stir something
up.
It did.
My best friend and I had been talking about the concept of Walk-ins, and I had read some material about it out of curiosity. Then, after having headaches everyday lately, and some blurred vision, I had a tragic fantasy that my eyesight might be in danger. That led me to consider that I hadn't ever
written about a blind character.
After that, I had this image in one of my dreams, of a woman standing on a precipice. She is shot in the shoulder and falls into the void. That was not a dream that was much fun to wake up from, since the woman was myself. While I suspect it was some subconscious fear that my love life has been killed by the lack of hope, and I feel I am about to descend into some romantic void, I ignored this in favor of using it for fodder.
Then, I used a method that had worked for me before: taking
previous seedlings of unrelated ideas and putting them together to see what happened. It's kind of like creative cooking. You know that certain things go together, but then you throw in a few things to see if it tastes different or better.
From this collection of disparate ideas, my muse baked me something new.
I now have the seedlings for a new book, and am working on it along with completing the two novellas in progress. (Those--Quintessence and Another Justice--should be available in November). The new book, is as yet untitled, but that always reveals itself in the writing, unless I have begun with the title itself.
The blurb I have so far, concerning what the book is to be about, is:
"A non-physical walk-in soul makes an agreement with another incarnated soul to take over her body. The Walk-in, perhaps too fearless, and too hungry for the pleasures of the flesh, discovers she has inherited the life of a Morman goody-two-shoes who is live-in caregiver for two men--one blind, the other wheelchair bound.
And someone is trying to kill her."
My Muse still breathes.
My Muse Still Breathes
No, the Other Baggage...
I sat down with my coffee and noticed no mail yet from the source of my current vexation. Within 5 minutes, (last night after our phone call, I sent the txt: Thank u for being u. I get a text from her- Got ur txt. : Training 2day, No email. grr. I text back: Rats! Guess I'll work on writing, music, sculpture & my self. Have a good day! . . .
So I'm spending the day trying to be productive. I have to stop obsessing on this woman. Baggage still needs another 20,000 words or more, unless I'm going to let it be a novella. It did occur to me yesterday that I might consider writing novellas. . .i have this idea that I have to write full-length novels because that's what "real writers" do and with the idea that potential publishers/agents won't take it seriously if you don't. . .well, it's not like they've been beating down my door. I've been doing it all myself. And then there's the argument I make frequently, that a book should only be long enough to tell the story. I don't believe in "padding" as I think it contradicts the act of creation. . .so. IF it becomes clear that Baggage is complete before it reaches standard length, I guess I'll have to let it be a novella. I'm also trying to get A Random Act of Blindness done. It needs to at least double in size to even be able to reach novella size in order to print it in paperback. It's around 50 pages, and needs to be at least 100.
No, the Other Baggage...
07 August 2007
Already (poem)
I already love her mind.
I already love her words.
I already love the parts of herself she reveals to me in herds
of raw, broken, struggling, yet
completely filled vessels of hope and
understanding. I'm not demanding
totally sodden with angst,
yet pure, unfettered, passionate, real.
A bargain on hearts, today, mine's a steal.
I don't know where this thing will go
knowing, yet knowing, I cannot know
wishing and hoping, that floating hope
I'm holding the wrong end of the rope
relating the angst of the things we do
feeling connection, connection anew
reaching for content, my spirit breaks through
I could fall for someone a lot like you.
Already (poem)


























